I miss my father so much. Every corner of his room, every piece of his stuff, it's all there, but he is not. In my abbu's room, I look for him everywhere, but he is not there. His stuff is all around, but it feels like he has disappeared. His room used to be my safe place, but now it's filled with memories of him- just like a museum of memories.. Every object is in its place, but the most important one – him – is missing. I search every corner, hoping he is hiding somewhere, but he is not.
His balcony, his table, his medicine box, his clothes – they are all untouched, as if he is just stepped out for a moment. But I know he is not coming back. It's hard to accept that I will never hear his voice or feel his comforting presence again.
It is hard to believe he is really gone. I keep asking myself why it is so tough to accept. I can't believe he is really gone. Today, I went to his office. His office used to be full of his energy and wisdom. I couldn't sit where he used to sit. So, I chose the chair next to his. As I sat beside his empty chair it felt like he was still there, telling me what to do and caring for me like he always did.
In those moments, I could almost feel his presence, his gentle admonishments and loving guidance: "Why haven't you combed your hair, Juthi? Have you forgotten to take care of yourself?" Even though I can't hear his voice out loud, I can still feel his love and advice in my heart.
I wish he could come back, just for a little while, to give me one more hug and some advice. ABBU, can you hear me? I need your guidance more than ever. I am lost without you, trying to figure out how to live without you by my side.
I longed to hear his voice, to feel his reassuring hand on my shoulder, guiding me through life's uncertainties. "Abbu," I whispered into the silence, my voice breaking with the weight of my grief, "can you please give me one more sign that you're still here with me?" But all I heard was silence, which reminded me of the emptiness I feel every day.
I miss him more than words can express. The simple joy of his presence, the comfort of his guidance – these are the things I cling to as I navigate this ocean of pain. But each day feels like an eternity without him by my side.
I am lost in a sea of sorrow, struggling to find my way in a world that feels so unfamiliar without him. But through the tears and the heartache, I know that his love will always guide me, even in the darkest of times.
Dear Abbu, I will continue to look for you in every corner of my heart, eagerly counting down the moments until we can chat and enjoy breakfast together again, which was always my favorite part of the day when I was with you.
February 2024!
